“Act my age? What the fuck is that, ‘act my age’? What do I care how old I am? The Ocean is old as fuck. It will still drown your ass with vigor.“
What does it mean to ‘have your shit together‘? Per definition, it’s to get one’s thoughts and/or possessions organized. But how do you do that?
Apparently for me, it was to wake up, go to work, come home, greet my lover, eat, then lock myself inside my head where I lost all confidence. Overtime, I no longer challenged myself, no longer engaged, no longer learned or yearned. I didn’t know what it was like to try something new again for the sake of ‘getting my life in order’. Expectations were too high with self-esteem too low.
In result, the universe was getting sick of my negative energy and threw me into a whirlwind of challenging changes. Not sure who flipped the switch, but I remember exactly how it felt to see the light.
It was on vacation (of course) in a new city with people I hadn’t traveled with before. It was like a little door opened in my brain for me to escape, eventually losing all expectations of who I needed to be and how I needed to act. I finally felt free.
When a flower doesn’t bloom, you fix the environment in which it grows, not the flower.
So, I resigned from everything in my life: love, work, volunteer, apartment, etc. It was time to love myself. There were no more what if’s. What needed to be done had been done and the next steps were to come. I had to learn a new city, get a new job, find a new place to live, and the hardest: develop new friendships.
At this point, nothing was familiar or guaranteed, which meant I didn’t have my shit together right? But it was the happiest I had ever been. All my senses were constantly aware, fully engaged, bringing a state of ecstasy. Plus, what’s a change without a challenge?
I was absolutely in love with my life (still am). And it proves true, if you don’t love yourself, you cannot love others. This element of bliss was prime for meeting new people. So much that I’ve fallen in love with everyone that has walked into my life.
As Hank Moody had said, “There isn’t a woman that I’ve met that I haven’t fallen in love with for 10 minutes or 10 years.”
According to Aziz Ansari’s Modern Romance, “[people]…. might mistake their arousal, actually cause by fear, for romantic arousal caused by attraction…” So, while traveling, the idea of being somewhere unfamiliar heightens your sensitivity to attach to others, making it so much easier to fall in love. Which, I have done plenty of.
With that being said, I thought 2014 was pretty difficult: letting go; but little did I know, 2015 had its own obstacles to overcome: growing. I’ve been fortunate enough to have so many additions to the name bank in my brain. Although many relationships have faded in good faith, I am very grateful for the many kinships that have continued, near and far.
So, what does it mean to, ‘have your shit together‘? I don’t know. Heck, I’m doing the same thing as I was before: working, volunteering, loving, and living. I guess the only real difference is how happy I am with myself. The measure of success is the measure of your happiness; no matter what lifestyle you live.
Cheers to 2016 and looking forward to more love and light.